


Moments

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Het, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Points of View, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-16
Updated: 2007-12-26
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:58:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Inspired by the Emerson Drive song Moments.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: This fic is based on the Emerson Drive song Moments. Thanks to KJ for agreeing to beta for me again. And thanks in advanced for reading everyone! Oh by the way – I’ve never attempted a song fic before – so I hope this goes okay. If you want to listen to this song it is currently the song playing on the band’s website <http://www.emersondrive.com/>  


* * *

_I was coming to the end of a long long walk,_ _  
_When a man crawled out of a cardboard box_  
_Uunder the E street bridge,_  
_Followed me onto it.__

"Gay?  How the fuck can you be gay?  Get out!  Now!"

That was my wife's reaction when I came out to her last week.  My mother's was worse, not that I expected any different.  Now I find myself at the end of a lifelong journey.  I fought my feelings and desires for as long as I could, with only the occasional sordid tryst in a dark alley or stairwell.  Now that I've finally come out to those closest to me I've lost them; just like I knew I would.  I had to tell them I was gay though.  I was so tired of living a lie; leading a double life.  I do love my wife, and I know she loves me; I just couldn't keep her in a marriage that my heart wasn't really in anymore.  But perhaps they are right, perhaps ignorance really is bliss and she would have preferred not to know.  Would that have been right though?  To force her to live a lie without her even knowing it was one?  I just don't know anymore.  I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

So what do I have left?  I've got my newly admitted sexuality, but I don't have the courage to take the next step.  I've got my career, but that doesn't keep a man warm at night.  And I've got family; a family that wants nothing to do with me.  I had been hoping that this would just be the beginning of a new life for me, and for my family.  Now I'm just not sure, I know I don't have the strength to do this alone.

I've been staying at a hotel down the road from my office, and tonight it felt like the walls were closing in, so I left the hotel with no destination in mind just trying to escape my own life.  I've been walking around the riverfront area for about 3 hours now.  I wish I had stopped to get my gloves and scarf from the bedroom when she kicked me out of the house.  My hands and feet went numb long ago, but truthfully I think my heart was the first to go.  

About an hour into tonight's walk I began thinking about how much easier everyone's life would be if I wasn't around.  I kept trying to think of a person who would care if I was gone, but everyone I thought of had implied recently that they wanted me gone.  If that's what they all wanted who was I to deny them that wish?  I had been disappointing my parents my entire life, this was just the icing on the cake.  I wonder if mother already knew somehow.  I tried to be what she wanted me to be.  I went to church until I couldn't stand the hypocrisy anymore.  I got married like she wanted me to.  I have a successful career and gave them money whenever they needed it, and yet she has always looked down her nose at me.  Despite everything I tried to accomplish to show them I was a good son, they never once told me they were proud of me.

My wife was hysterical and told me that I ruined her life.  She started spouting some crap about how no one else would be with her now, that I had shamed her in the face of our friends and my clients.  If all that is true then what good am I really doing here?

Around hour two I started plotting my very short future.  There are several bridges across the river, and even if I survived the fall, I would never survive the chilly waters.  I tried to think of reasons not to do it, but each thought ended the same.  There is no reason to live anymore.  I am living a shame, that part of my life is over now, and I don't think I can start over without at least one person's support.  Short of that I see no reason for being anymore.  I can't handle any of this on my own.  I knew people would be upset, but I didn't think they would shut me out completely.  I am not strong enough to live a life alone, and I am not strong enough to start over without any support.  If only someone could have shown some compassion, but I guess there is no use in wishing anymore.

Now hour three is upon me and I can see the E street bridge up ahead.

_I went out halfway across_ _  
_With that homeless shadow tagging along_  
_So I dug for some change_  
_Wouldn't need it anyway_  
_He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed__

I could see the homeless men and women huddled around trashcan fires under the bridge as I got nearer to it.  I couldn't help but think that at least they had friends and family with them.  As I passed by the homeless a man looked up from where he was sitting on the ground and we met eyes briefly.  I hung my head in shame and continued to walk on to the bridge.

As I made my way to the center of the bridge I could feel someone following me.  I instinctively knew it was the man I had seen on the ground at the foot of the bridge.  I dug for some change in my pocket, thinking that I wouldn't need it anyway.  I was wishing I had grabbed my wallet when I left the hotel room.  All I had on me to give was a little loose change and my hotel room key.  I briefly considered giving him the hotel room key, he could get cleaned up and a decent night's sleep before they discovered I wasn't coming back.  

When I got to what I felt was the right stopping point I turned around and his eyes lifted slowly to meet mine.  I offered him the change, and he took it looking just a bit ashamed.  I knew how he felt.  That's when he started to speak, and what he had to say changed my life.

_He said, You know, I haven't always been this way_ _  
_I've had my moments, days in the sun_  
_Moments I was second to none_  
_Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do__

"Life certainly doesn't turn out the way you thought it would."  He said in a voice that was haggard from too little use.

"I never thought I would be sleeping on the streets and begging to survive.  I wasn't always like this you know.  I had a life once.  Actually I guess I've had several lives now."  I just smile slightly and nod, because frankly I don't know what to say, but I don't want him to stop talking.

"I'm sorry; I'll leave you alone now, thanks for the change."

"No!"  I say a bit too vehemently.  "I mean, no you don't have to leave me alone, I've been walking for awhile so it's nice to have someone to talk to."  He just gives me a small smile and nods back.  I know he can't possibly understand, but at the moment he is the only thing holding me to this planet – and I guess I need a few more minutes before I am ready to let go.

_Like that plane ride coming home from the war_ _  
_That summer my son was born_  
_And memories like a coat so warm_  
_A cold wind can't get through_  
_Lookin' at me now you might not know it_  
_But I've had my moments__

"Like I said, I've had several lives.  When I was a young man I got drafted and send off to Vietnam.  I never thought I would make it through that, but I did.  Coming home was one of those moments when you just have to sit back and ponder your own accomplishment.  That time during the war was one lifetime of its own."

"After I came back, I moved to New York City to live my new life.  It was a crazy time, lots of clubs, lots of drugs.  Sometimes I thought that life was going to kill me more than I ever thought the war would.  But it never did; not yet anyway."

"I moved back here to Pittsburg after a few years to help my sister raise her son.  She was a single mom so I thought of him as my son as well.  She had him one summer when I was at war, but as he got older she needed more help.  That was another one of those moments when I did what I thought I could never do.  I had never imagined being a parent, so when she asked me for help I wanted to say no.  I wanted to stay in New York and continue living my fabulous life.  But I didn't, I came home and helped her for a few years, before I had to leave again." 

  
_I stood there tryin' to find my nerve_ _  
_Wondering if a single soul on Earth_  
_Would care at all_  
_Miss me when I'm gone__

I couldn't help but think that at least he had had family, and some happy times.  I'm standing here in expensive clothing, with a generous amount of money in my bank account, but I'm wishing for just a moment that I could be this homeless man.  This man that seemed to live the life he wanted to.  He was forced into a bad situation, much like I was, but when that was done he was able to move on and live life the way he wanted too; if only for a short time.

Would they miss me?  Would they wish they had handled things differently?  Would they be happy I was gone, and that I hadn't changed my will?

_That old man just kept hanging around_ _  
_Lookin' at me, lookin' down_  
_I think he recognized_  
_That look in my eyes_  
_Standing with him there I felt ashamed_  
_I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way__

"You know there are options."  He said.

"Options?"

"Alternatives.  To what you are planning."

That's when I started thinking about it again, or rather rethinking it.  I haven't always felt this way, so why now?  I've had things to look forward to before.  I felt alone most of my childhood, but then I found a great friend who later became my wife.  So why couldn't that happen again this time?  Who's to say I might not meet some great guy.  And if there is a guy out there meant for me, and I carried through with this plan, what would happen to him?   
                   
I looked him in the eye a moment before I lowered my head in shame.  Then I thought if he could tell me his story, then why can't I tell him mine?  Wasn't I hoping earlier that just one someone would care?  Well he is still here, so maybe he does.  And that is good enough.

_I've had my moments, days in the sun_ _  
_Moments I was second to none_  
_Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do_  
_Like the day I walked away from the wine_  
_For a woman who became my wife_  
_And a love that, when it was right,_  
_Could always see me through_  
_Lookin' at me now you might not know it_  
_But I've had my moments__

"I guess I've had those moments too.  One of them just recently, it's what brought me to this place.  But before that I had a good moment or two."

"Just a moment or two?"

"Yeah I guess I haven't really lived much yet, just been going through the motions.  But I did have a nice life with my wife.  It wasn't perfect, but it was stable, and it was safe.  We met in college.  I wasn't looking for a relationship; it really started out as friendship.  I'm honestly not sure how I ended up asking her to marry me; I guess it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  Plus it made her happy."

"When we met I was partying way too hard, trying to drown all the unhappy moments out with liquor instead of with happy times."

"I never would have gotten my act together and graduated if it wasn't for her.  She helped me learn to moderate the drinking so that I could still function, and I ended up doing more than functioning, I thrived, at least in the business world.  I opened my own business and it became quite successful after just a few short years of paying my dues."

"So yeah I guess I've had my moments too."

"So what changed?"

"I'm gay."  I'm expecting him to basically run away when I say this, but he doesn't he just smiles a little and tells me,

"So am I."

"So I ask again, what changed?  Because weren't you always gay?"

"Yes I was.  But I had never admitted it before.  I told my wife and she threw me out.  I told my mother and she condemned me to hell."

"When was this?"

"About a week ago."

"Christ!  Give your wife some time.  If she's as good a friend as you've said, then she'll adjust.  You just have to give her a little time."  
"I'm not sure."

"Trust me.  People come around, at least those that really loved you in the first place.  Give her space, and in the meantime you need to start living again."

"How do I do that?  I'm not like you I can't just pick up and start a new 'life' all the time."

"You start by going down to Liberty Avenue.  Where you go from there I'm not sure, but you'll find your way."

I look back over the railing of the bridge at the icy water below, then back at this homeless man who is offering me a life preserver.  Looking into his eyes I start to feel hope blossom for the first time in awhile, and I think I'll take the out he's giving me.  I just nod at him and start to walk back down to the entrance of the bridge.

As I'm walking away I hear him say, "Oh by the way, I'm Vic."

I turn to look at him one last time and simply say, "Brian."


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes:

AN: First and foremost – I apologize for the delay in getting chapter 2 done.  My laptop is currently nothing more than a doorstop – but being the brilliant idiot I am – I had chapter 2’s outline saved on a jump drive – it just took me weeks to remember that I did.  Thanks to my beta KJ who is currently writing a 15 page paper for school yet still finds time to beta and post this for me.  Love ya!  

 

To De who is going through a difficult time right now – I love you – and hang in there – but remember to cherish the ‘moments’.

 

It is not my intention to have each chapter inspired by a different song – it just freakishly happened that when I started writing this chapter this song popped into my head.  Of course I’m not promising the same thing won’t happen with chapter 3…. I guess we’ll see.  

 

This chapter is based on Rascal Flatt’s song “I’m Movin’ On” – if you want to hear this song – I suggest you try listening on itunes or something – it’s from their first album and is no longer playing on their website.

* * *

_I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret _

 I walked away from that bridge and that homeless man, Vic, feeling content.  I can’t help but reflect on how odd it is to feel content just moments after almost ending my life.  But it’s how I feel now.  Vic helped me to realize that this wasn’t the end of a lifelong journey, just the beginning of a new ‘life’.  

  I had such regrets about the way I was living my life.  Lying to Lindsay all these years is probably my biggest regret.  I hope in time she will forgive me and we can manage to forge some sort of friendship again.  I am going to try and live the rest of my life without anymore regrets.  No regrets from now on; I’ll try that.  

  
_I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself _

I catch a cab back to my hotel because lord knows I don’t want to walk any more tonight.  As the feeling of contentment came over me so did the overwhelming exhaustion.  My regrets and, my pain were the only thing holding me up and now that I’ve faced those things on that bridge I just want to rest.  Back in the hotel now, I strip quickly leaving my clothes in a rumpled pile on the floor by the bed and go into the bathroom.  I look around me and long for the large shower we had put in the house and the extra large water heater so I can soak my weary bones for a long time.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to make do with a small hotel shower stall.  Stepping under the spray I make the water as hot as I can stand it without burning myself and just let the water cascade down my body.  Bending my head forward I watch as droplets of water run off the tip of my nose and fall to the tiles below.  Eventually the water turns cold and I reluctantly turn it off, dry myself off, and climb into bed.  As I sink into the warmth of the sheets it occurs to me that I’ve never slept naked before.  When I was growing up it was a fear of my parents coming in the room, then in college I had a roommate to share my small space with, then with Lindsay she found it ‘unseemly and unsanitary’; but it’s something I have always wanted to do.  And now I am going to do it.

  
_I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on_  

When I woke up this morning I realized that it was time to start moving on with my new life.  It has only been about a week since I came out to Lindsay and to my mother – but it feels like much longer than that.  I’ve been stuck for too long in a situation I didn’t want to be in.  Feeling so responsible for it, so lost in it, and now that I am free from that false life I am ready to start my new one.  I pack up the meager belongings I brought with me to this hotel and check out.  I can tell the desk clerk is surprised that I am leaving since I originally told them I would be staying indefinitely.  Well the indefinite future became a little more definite this morning; I’m moving on.

  
_I've lived in this place and I know all the faces_  
Each one is different but they're always the same   
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it   
They'll never allow me to change   
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong   
I'm movin' on   


  
It’s Monday morning at Kinnetik again and it is easy to find comfort in the familiar rush of a work morning.  I am probably the only one in the building who is happier this morning at work than I was yesterday morning.  After Cynthia and I are done going over this mornings’ messages and reviewing my schedule for the day I ask her to clear my schedule for tomorrow and to find me a realtor.  She gives me a peculiar look but does as I request.  A half hour later I’ve got an appointment for nine o’clock the next morning with a Jennifer Taylor.

 I consider confiding in Cynthia, I think she would understand, but the fear of losing yet another significant woman in my life in a week’s time is overwhelming so I withhold explanations for now.  I start to think about Joan, Lindsay and Cynthia.  All the women that are important to my life in some way.  Joan I know is gone from my life for good.  Lindsay I pray will forgive me with time.  Joan and Lindsay have always wanted me to be the ideal son/husband in their own minds, but Cynthia has never had the same expectations from me.  But will she allow me to change?  Will she resist my efforts to become the man I want to be?  I hope not.

 Tuesday morning arrives, as does Jennifer Taylor promptly at 8:55am.  Cynthia shows her into my office and I feel a tingle of excitement as I think about getting out into the world again, this Jennifer is my key. 

“Good Morning.” 

“Good Morning Mr. Kinney.  It’s nice to meet you.  Shall we get started?” 

“Yes please, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve done this, so you’ll have to point me in the right direction.”

 “No problem.  First why don’t you tell me what kind of place that you are looking for, what you don’t want, and maybe an area of town you would prefer, then we can go from there.”

 “Well I guess I just need space big enough for me, but I don’t want to feel cramped either.  I don’t want a typical starter house either.  This is just going to be for me, not for a family so additional rooms and extra baths aren’t really necessary.  I want to stay inside the city limits, preferably near Liberty Avenue but not on it.”

 “Are you gay Mr. Kinney?”

 “Excuse me?  What does that matter?”  I’m floored by how forward her question is and consider dismissing her when she quickly speaks again. 

“Oh no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that in any negative way!  I’ve just had a few clients who do now know that that area of town is predominately gay men and women.  I’ve mistakenly assumed they knew in the past and then had some irate clients once they found out.  Please forgive me for being so forward.” 

“Oh, uh well okay.  It’s fine, don’t worry about it.  But to answer your question; yes I am.”  It feels so strange, but the more I admit it, the easier it becomes.

“Very good.  Again, I’m so sorry for being rude.  I think I’ve been hanging out with a certain brash friend of mine too long, her forthrightness is rubbing off.” 

“It’s fine, really.  Let’s move on.”

“Okay, well I think I have enough of an idea to get us started.  I’ll go back to my office and generate a list of places for us to look at this afternoon and be back say about Noon?” 

“That sounds great.  Thank you.” 

I stand and walk her out to the front door, shaking her hand once again as she leaves.  I return to my office with a tingling of excitement coursing through my veins and I’m not sure I will be able to focus for the next few hours.   

Jennifer has shown me four townhomes so far and I’m starting to feel dismayed with this process.  When she left my office this morning I thought we had an understanding of what I wanted, but the homes she has shown me so far would indicate otherwise.  For one thing, they are _homes_ , and for another they are not as upscale as I can afford.  I guess if I want to truly try living with no regrets I have to speak up more for what I actually want; I’ll give that a try. 

“Frankly Jennifer, nothing you have shown me so far is even close to what I am looking for.  I’m sorry I can’t tell you exactly what I want, but the last two homes are what I do not want.” 

“I’m so sorry Mr. Kinney, there wasn’t a whole lot available right now that met your specifications, but I do have one more place on the list that is much different from these houses.  We could skip the other houses and go straight to that one if you’d like.” 

“Anything would be better than more of the same at this point.  Please let’s go look at this one you say is different.”

I think she senses my disbelief in her ability to find what I am looking for, and while I know I should feel some guilt for that I simply don’t.  That lack of guilt is comforting.  No longer feeling guilty for everything that relates to a woman in my life is a wonderful change of pace. 

When she stops along what looks like a warehouse on the corner of Tremont Street I start to seriously consider getting a cab and leaving her standing in front of this building.   

“I know how it looks Mr. Kinney, but just give it a chance, please.”  She pleads and I nod my head solemnly.   

We take an old freight type elevator up to the third floor, which is coincidentally the top floor, and it opens up to reveal one solitary large metal door.  I’m starting to think my realtor is on drugs when she pulls open the door and at first glance of the inside I know that I am home.  It’s strange to feel a sense of home for a place you’ve never been in, but I do feel that way.  Stepping over the threshold I take in the open floor plan, the hardwood floors, the exposed beams, the large windows, and I’m sold.

__

  
  
I'm movin' on   
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me   
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone

__

It’s been two weeks since I came out to Lindsay.  One week since my aborted attempt to end my life, and five hectic days since I bought my new place.  One of the conditions I had given Jennifer was that the place would be  move in ready.  The loft was empty but that was the problem.  No one lived there, but there were also no appliances or furniture.  She helped me work out an incredible deal that would allow me to do whatever construction inside the loft that I wanted.  I spent the next day interviewing contractors, and finally found one who promised the work that needed to be done could be finished in two weeks.  Of course telling him money was no object helped speed things along as well.  I’ve arranged to have all the fixtures imported from Italy.  The only thing I bought locally was an awesome platform bed that was delivered two days ago.  I’ve been living and sleeping amongst sawdust and construction chaos, but loving every minute of it. 

Tonight I was reflecting on my conversation with Vic on E street bridge, and I recall him telling me that I needed to go down to Liberty Avenue.  So tonight I find myself in the classic corvette that I just bought myself driving down Liberty Avenue just to get the lay of the land.  There are lots of bars and clubs, some look interesting, and some look scary.  The Gravel Pit?  Is that supposed to sound appealing?  

  
_There comes a time in everyone's life_  
When all you can see are the years passing by   
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

  
  
I’ve circled the area a few times now; the most popular club seems to be one called Babylon.  Sitting at the light across the street from it I see a group of young men, they all look to be in their early 20’s and are having the time of their lives.  I can’t help but feel like I’ve cheated myself out of something important.  The time that every gay man deserves; to party, have fun, to sample all there is out there.  I know I’m not ready for a serious relationship with a man yet.  I also know I can’t start this new life pretending I’m like everyone else who came out when they were young and could still have fun.  I am only 31 now, but those years are beyond me.  I will never get them back.  It’s just the price that I have to pay for denying myself for so long.  Perhaps it is penance for lying to those I claimed to love all these years.  A car horn sounds behind me and I leave the big gay playground of Pittsburgh for the night.  I will come back; I just need to get some more closure on my former life first.

  
 _I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't_  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town   
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't   
I had to lose everything to find out   

 

Its 10 am on the third Monday since I came out to Lindsay.  She’ll be at work now so I go to the house to collect my belongings.  I know I shouldn’t be shocked that she has packed all my things and put them in the garage labeled Goodwill.  I guess she was going to give everything away, assuming I never came to get it. I wonder if she ever wondered where I was or what I was doing now.  I pack as many boxes as I can into the ‘vette and decide to just leave the rest.  Entering the house one more time I leave the note I wrote her on the kitchen counter along with my house key, take one final look around and walk out the door without looking back again.

 

  _Dear Lindsay,_

_I know you must hate me now, believe me I hated myself too.  But not for the same reason, you hate me for being honest, for shattering what you thought to be our happy life, while I always hated myself for not being able to be honest with you.  I loved you like I was always told I should but I lived a lie like no one should._

_I had to lose everything to find out what freedom truly feels like.  I will not contact you, I will not ask for your forgiveness after this once.  Lindsay I do love you, not as a lover, but as a friend, the way I always have.  I just let myself believe I could force it to be more than that.  I hurt you and I am truly sorry.  I hope you can forgive me someday._

_If you can forgive me you can always reach me at Kinnetik or at the new place I’ve bought, 306 Tremont St. Unit 3._

_Love,_

_Brian_

 

  _Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
I'm movin' on_  

 

It’s Friday night and I’m going back to Liberty Avenue for my first night ‘out.’  I park the ‘vette down the street from Babylon and start to walk towards it.  I feel nervous and excited at the same time.  I’m not sure what I will find inside but I can’t wait to see it either.  

  

I’m one block away from my destination now I can feel the slight vibrations in the ground from the loud music inside.  Looking both ways before crossing the street I step into road and look up meeting the eyes of a young man.  I stop mid stride and stand in the middle of the street staring at him.  A blond, under a streetlamp, he seems to have been watching my progress across the street.  He gives me a little smile and I quickly close the gap between us.  

 

We stand for a moment in silence and stare at each other; wordlessly acknowledging the mutual attraction between us.  Finally we both seem to realize that we should actually talk and we start speaking at the same time.

 

“I’m Justin.” “I’m Brian.”  We laugh a little at our simultaneous introduction.

 

“Where are you heading?”

 

“Babylon.”

 

“Want some company?”

 

“Yes.”

   __________________________________________________________________________

I don’t normally beg for reviews, but I’m not sure if there is much interest in this story – so please review if you are reading just to let me know whether or not I should continue.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Chapter 3

AN:  Thanks to my beta KJ!  The lyrics in this chapter are from the Wicked soundtrack – song As Long As You’re Mine.  If you don’t know it – go buy it – it rocks!  Plus Randy was in Wicked once!

* * *

Brian’s POV

We approach the entrance of Babylon and Justin seems to be bypassing the line, so I just follow along behind him.  He greets the doorman as he lets us in ahead of the crowd.  I give him a bit of a questioning look and he just tells me that membership has its privileges. 

The closer we get to the main area of the club the farther apart we become.  Now standing at the edge of the main dance floor I hesitate while Justin takes a few steps into the throng of writhing bodies laid out before us.  After a moment he realizes that I am no longer right behind him and he turns around with a questioning look on his face. 

“Is something wrong?” 

“It’s just, uh…” I stammer a bit but finally confess, “I’ve never been here before.” 

He grabs my hand and leads me over to a staircase that seems to lead up to some type of catwalk.  When we get up onto the catwalk I realize it is a little quieter up here and that he probably wants to talk.  I guess this is where he is going to tell me to fuck off.    

“Okay, by ‘never been here before’ I’m taking it you mean not just Babylon but any gay dance club?” 

“Yeah.  Look if you want to go find someone more experienced I understand.”  And I would  but I’d be disappointed.  This man is simply gorgeous and I’ve been hard since the moment we first spoke out on the street. 

“No. I’m fine just where I am.”  _Really?_   I want to ask.  But I don’t, I just keep that thought to myself and smile a little. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” I ask him. 

“Yeah.” 

This time as we make our way through the crowd and back downstairs to the bar, we walk side by side as much as possible.  Somehow he just seems to know that I am tired of feeling left behind, even in the slightest way. 

When the bartender takes our order I ask for a double Chivas on the rocks, and Justin in turn asks for the same.  As he’s pouring the shots I can feel the bartenders eyes on me, and when he takes the cash his fingers linger a little too long on mine.  It’s odd how the little exchange feels exhilarating and at the same time it feels creepy.  I turn back to Justin and hand him his drink.  Noticing the slight smirk on his face I just have to ask. 

“What?” 

“You have no idea, do you?” 

Feeling suddenly self conscious again I assume he means that I have no idea what I am doing around other openly gay men.  My only experiences have been rushed hand or blow jobs in back alleys or the occasional public restroom.  I’ve never even started this type of mating dance before.  Then with one sentence he shatters my world for the second time tonight. 

“You have no idea how hot you are?  How incredibly irresistible and sexy you are, do you?” 

I have no real answer to that so I turn to face him more directly, clink the tips of our shot glasses together in a silent toast, and we both drink the double shots in one gulp while staring into each others eyes. 

“Want another?” I ask. 

“No thanks, I’m good for now.” 

I order another double and drink it down just as quickly, enjoying the burn that really good scotch provides.  We stand side by side at the bar, our bodies very close but not quite touching, and survey the crowd of dancers.  The scotch starts to take affect and my confidence level is increasing.  There is nothing quite as reliable as liquid courage; at least for a little while.  This is why when Justin asks me to dance, I barely hesistate to follow him onto the dance floor. 

At first our dancing is awkward; admittedly it is me that is awkward, while his moves are so fluid they’re like silk.  He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tightly to him whispering in my ear to follow his lead. 

Our bodies fit so well together, it’s like we are two puzzle pieces that were made to lock together.  With his arms around my waist and mine draped over his shoulders we move like one unit to the beat.  Our mutual hard-ons are pressing against one another raising my body temperature to a devastating degree.  Justin turns around in my arms, pulling my arms down so they rest around his waist.  His ass is pressing firmly against my crotch, and every move we make produces the most delicious friction.  Deciding to be bold I snake my hands down his body and caress his thighs, close enough to his cock to heighten the sensation, but not quite close enough to be touching.  He lets out a low guttural groan when I use just the tip of my tongue to lick a path up the side of his neck and begin nibbling on his ear. 

Justin turns slightly and gazes up at me; breathlessly he asks “Do you want to get out of here?” 

“Your place or mine?” 

“Yours.  I’ve got a roommate and I don’t want to chance being interrupted.” 

“Let’s go then.”  

_Kiss me too fiercely_  
Hold me too tight  
I need help believing  
You're with me tonight

We make our way out of the club, into my car, and over to the loft as quickly as we can.  The closer we get to the loft the more uneasy I feel.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on in my life, but at the same time I know that I don’t know exactly what I’m doing.  It’s ridiculous that at my age I feel the uncertainty of a virgin, but I guess that’s what I am.  I think Justin senses some of my thoughts because he reaches over and places a firm but gentle hand on my thigh and it begins to calm me instantly.

The elevator ride up is simultaneously too quick and not quick enough.  I barely get the gate down before he has pushed me up against the wall of the elevator and starts attacking my lips.  Oh god, but the feel of another man’s lips on mine is so luscious I almost go weak in the knees.  Before my thoughts can run away with me my instincts take over and I part my lips allowing his tongue access to mine.  The second our tongues touch inside my mouth a fire is ignited somewhere deep in my gut and I am challenging him back for dominance of this kiss.

The little part of my brain that is still functioning can’t believe that I am actually at this point in my life; finally.  

  

  _My wildest dreamings_  
Could not forsee   
Lying beside you   
With you wanting me

  
  
It takes us a few minutes to realize that the elevator has stopped moving and we should get out.  It takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock because my hands are shaking a little, but I finally manage to push the door open and pull Justin inside.

Breathlessly I apologize for the lack of furniture and appliances explaining that the loft is new and those things should be arriving soon. 

“Is there a bed?”

“Yes” I chuckle softly in response.

“Well, then that’s all we need.”

He takes three steps towards me closing the small distance gap between our bodies and molds himself to me again.  Stretching up slightly he licks a path up my neck, over my adam’s apple, and continues until his tongue is once again licking at my lips seeking entrance.  With our lips locked I drag him towards the bedroom, we stumble slightly at the stairs, obviously more interested in maintaining our connection than in looking where we are going. 

The back of my knees hit the bed and suddenly things slow down considerably.  Earlier tonight I was embarrassed that Justin knew how inexperienced I was, but suddenly I’m quite glad for it.  I do not want this night to go by too fast, I want to remember and cherish this moment always.

Justin gives me one last kiss before pushing on my chest forcing me to sit on the bed.  He takes a step back and starts to slowly undress. 

I reach out for him but he stops me.  “Don’t.  I want you just to watch.  Lay back, get comfortable.”

Doing as he requests I move into the center of the bed and recline slightly, leaning back on my elbows. The sight before me exceeds even my wildest fantasies, the ones I always tried to pretend meant nothing, now don’t even compare to the beauty before me.  Slowly he runs his right hand down the center of his chest and over his waist band until he can slowly and seductively massage the bulge in his pants.  Simultaneously he toes off his shoes and socks.  He continues to rub himself through his pants and throws his head back in sheer pleasure.  Its torture just laying here so I start to get up off the bed when he opens his eyes looks at me and shakes his head no, so I reluctantly settle back on the bed letting him lead the way in this foreplay.

After a couple of minutes he slides his hand slowly back up the center of his body and starts to unbutton his shirt.  Each button exposes another few inches of flesh and makes my cock impossibly harder.  Eventually he slides the shirt off his shoulders and lets it pool on the floor at his feet.  I hear myself gasp at the beauty of his torso, his pale unmarked skin, over lean, barely there muscle, with just a smattering of golden hairs around his nipples, leading a trail down his lower abdomen and disappearing underneath his pants.

Like before with his cock, he spends a few minutes tweaking and pinching his nipples hardening them until I almost beg to be allowed to lick them.  

Finally after what seems like hours he hooks his fingers into his waistband and pops the button open on his jeans.  Slowly sliding the zipper down I realize he isn’t wearing any underwear and almost come in my pants like a 13 year-old boy.

Stepping out of his pants he has to wiggle slightly and his cock bounces around large and proud in front of him.  No longer able to keep silent I hear myself begging to touch him.

“Please Justin, please come closer or let me move, I have to feel you.”

“Patience, Brian, patience.  I want you to remember this always.”

When he gets down on his knees in the front of the bed I’m a little confused for a moment until he starts tugging at my shoestrings trying to get my shoes off.  It seems to be taking forever and I find myself wishing I had just gone to the club barefoot!  Finally my shoes and socks are on the floor with his pile of clothes and he is sliding up my body until he is hovering over me and our faces are inches apart.  Straddling my body he sits on my thighs and leans forward to kiss me again.  

I refuse to ask permission this time so I quickly grasp his body and pull his torso flush against mine.  He lets out a little squeak of surprise but that dissolves into a moan as for the first time my hands are caressing his bare flesh.  I run my hands down his back slowly until I am cupping his bare ass.  Once I have the firm yet pliable cheeks in my hand I pull his entire body even closer so that he is now resting atop my still clothed cock.

We make out, rutting against each other and thrusting our tongues in and out of each others mouths for a few minutes until he pulls away.  Once again I find he is pushing on my chest but this time he forces me to lay all the way back while he gets off of my legs.  Common sense tells me why he is changing our position, obviously at some point my pants have to come off but I really don’t want our bodies to be apart for even a moment and I can’t help the disappointed groan that escapes my lips when he climbs off me.

“Shhh.  I’m not going anywhere.  I just can’t hold back any longer, I have to see all of you Brian.”

Suddenly I’m a little nervous again.  Justin is well endowed, and I know that I am too, bigger than him even by an inch or two, but still, I don’t want to disappoint him.  I don’t have the time to get too nervous or have any second thoughts because within seconds he has my pants unbuttoned, unzipped and is trying to slide them over my hips and down my legs.  I lift my ass a little to make the task easier and suddenly my cock pops free and is standing perfectly erect in front of him.

“God Brian, you are beautiful.  Perfect.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone more than I want you right now.”

“Me?  It’s you Justin; you are the one who is beautiful, and so perfect.”

_And just for this moment_  
As long as you're mine  
I've lost all resistance   
And crossed some border line  
And if it turns out  
It's over too fast   
I'll make every last moment last  
As long as you're mine

  
  
All night I’ve tried to avoid thinking about what will happen after we do this.  Will he just leave as soon as we are done?  Will he stay the night but then leave in the morning without wanting more?  Do I even want more if he did?  As I feel him settle himself between my legs and start to lick the underside of my cock I decide to stop thinking altogether and just enjoy this moment.  If this is all I get with Justin than that will have to be enough.

  
Justin’s POV

_Maybe I'm brainless_  
Maybe I'm wise  
But you've got me seeing   
Through different eyes  
Somehow I've fallen   
Under your spell  
And somehow I'm feeling  
It's up that I fell  


  
When I saw him crossing the street tonight my world tilted off its axis.  I’ve always been a serial monogamist, having just broken up with my last boyfriend two weeks ago.  He only lasted three months, but then none of them have ever lasted more than five.  But Brian, something about him just feels different.  For one thing I’ve never fucked a virtual stranger before, I’m often the top, but I know that tonight I am going to let this man I’ve just met fuck me into oblivion all night.

  
 _Every moment_  
As long as you're mine  
I'll wake up my body  
And make up for lost time

  
  
So after the slow torturous undressing I gave us both, I’m finally going to get a true taste of this man.  I’m not really sure what has come over me tonight, yes I’m often the aggressor when it comes to sex, but there isn’t usually a lot of foreplay involved.  Maybe I just wanted to make this special for Brian, I don’t know for sure, but little signs all night have told me that he has had little to no sexual experience with other men.  Maybe I wanted to make it special for us both.  I feel as though I’m trying to fill the void in his sex life up until now and by doing so perhaps he’ll be able to fill the void in my heart.

  
 _Say there's no future_  
For us as a pair  
And though I may know  
I don't care  
Just for this moment  
As long as you're mine 

I lick up and down Brian’s cock intentionally neglecting the head for just a few moments longer.  With one quick movement I move over the top of his cock, hollow out my cheeks, and swallow his cock whole.  His unsuspecting body jerks off the bed towards my face and forces his cock a few inches further down my throat.  Not wanting this part to be over too quickly I use one hand to push his hips back onto the bed and the other to rub calming circles on his lower abdomen.  I stay still for a minute simply breathing in the smell of his sweat amongst his pubes until I feel I can safely begin the blow job in earnest.  His hands are in my hair grabbing and pulling as I work up and down his cock.  I’m actually surprised at his stamina and think that this bodes well for the rest of the evening, but for now I want him to come so that later when he is inside me he doesn’t come too quickly.

“Justin….” 

“Stop Justin, I’m going to…” he groans out, I know he is trying to hold out but I don’t want him to.

“Come for me Brian, just come now.”

“No, this isn’t…. I mean I want to be… Ugh... I want more!”  He exclaims frustrated.

“I know, so do I.  But I want it to last for a long time, so I need you to come now.”  Without giving him another chance to speak I go back to work on his cock furiously, massaging his balls at the same time and in just a few moments he is shooting down my throat.  His taste is glorious and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get enough.  I decide however to stop that line of thinking, I don’t know his situation.  With my luck he is married and planning on going back to the wife and kids tomorrow.  But for tonight, for this moment, he is mine and I am going to make the most of it.  
 _Come be how you want to_  
And see how bright we shine  
Borrow the moonlight  
Until it is through  
And know I'll be here holding you  
As long as you're mine  


  
After I drink down his come, I crawl up to lay beside him on the bed.  Slowly tracing circles around his nipples with my fingertips I give him a minute to regain his composure.

“God Justin… I don’t know what to say.” 

And with that I just have to know.

“Brian, have you ever…?”  I trail off hoping that I don’t have to actually ask, that he’ll just know what I am trying to ask.

“I’ve had the occasional blow job, even given a few myself, and hand jobs, but that’s it.  But I want more now, with you.  I’ve always wanted more, just been too afraid to go after it.”  He says looking just a bit ashamed.  Using my finger I tilt his chin up so he has to look me in the eye.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about Brian.  But let me show you now, the joys of all the other things we can do.  Don’t be afraid at all, I’m here with you.”

He looks into my eyes for a minute as if he is trying to read my soul, or to confirm that I’m here.  Finally getting the answer he is looking for, he rolls over until he is lying on top of me.  I grin slightly at the feel of his cock already getting hard again.  He leans down to kiss me and as he does so, he slowly grinds his cock onto mine, the friction feeling sinful and delicious.  

His lips leave mine and I barely restrain myself from whimpering at the loss of contact.  I decide to let him lead the way as much as his instincts would allow him to this time.  My body arches up off the bed as he worries my nipples in turn with his teeth.  Tugging and pulling at them until they are tender and erect.  Then he begins bathing them gently with his tongue and I grind my hips up into his body silently begging him to move on.  After a few more minutes of teasing my nipples and gently nipping at other spots along my torso he is finally at my cock and I almost come from anticipation.

I know he said he’s done this before but I wasn’t quite expecting him to be so damn good.  He works my cock much liked I worked his, if only just a bit more hastily.  When I try and push him off my cock so I don’t come down his throat he pushes my hands away, swallows my cock whole and hums, sending vibrations through my cock right to my toes.  It’s just minutes before I am coming down his throat and screaming his name.

When I’ve come back down to earth a little I look down my body to see him grinning like a Cheshire cat and I can’t help but grin back at him.  Damn, he’s good.  Realizing how much of a natural talent he is and anticipating what is left to come has me getting hard again so fast I almost can’t believe it.

__

  
Justin

_What is it?_  
  
Brian 

_It's just for the first time,  
I feel ... wicked_ 

He sits up so he is kneeling in between my thighs and leans over to the nightstand.  It’s only then that I notice the bowl of condoms and the large container of lube right by the bed.  I chuckle slightly and quirk an eyebrow at him in question.

“I guess I got a little carried away at the sex store,” he laughs slightly.

“Uh, Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess I need a little direction here, I don’t want to hurt you.”

I smile and tell him gently, “It’s always best to open your partner up a little bit.  With the size of your cock you’ll want to work some of the lube into me using your fingers.  Do one finger at a time and you should be able to slide three fingers in and out without too much effort before you try and slide into me.  I don’t usually bottom so be patient with me.  It will hurt a little at first no matter what you do, but that’s okay, I actually enjoy that part of it.”

I restrain myself from chuckling at the studious look that has taken over his features, I can tell he was listening and will do everything in his power to make this as good as possible for us both.  He squirts some lube into his hand, probably more than he really needs but I don’t want to make him self conscious by correcting him unless I have to.  I smile when I see he is rubbing it between his fingers to get it warmed up a little, then without any further ado he is rubbing some around the opening of my hole.

I lift my legs up onto his shoulders to give him better access and gasp slightly when his first finger pushes through my opening.  

“Are you okay?”  He asks worriedly.

“I’m great.  Keep going.”

He keeps up a fairly constant stream of exclamations telling me how great I feel, and how wonderful I look sprawled out for him, while steadily working my hole until he can finally get the third finger in.  While he’s been diligently working on opening me up he’s also managed to work my entire body into a frenzy.  My head has been thrashing around since he first put the third finger into me, my legs have slipped from his shoulders and finally I can’t hold back any longer and scream out.

“Fuck me Brian!”

He looks up sharply almost like he forgot there was more to me than my ass, stares into my eyes getting whatever confirmation from them that he needs to continue, and the next thing I’m aware of is hearing the condom wrapper tear.

He hikes my legs back onto his shoulders, positions his cock at my entrance and slowly starts to push in.  I gasp loudly as the head of his cock breaks through that ring of muscle.  Thankfully, he pauses for a minute allowing me to get accustomed to this new girth.  God, he is large.  After a minute he slowly pushes in, not stopping until he is buried balls deep in my ass.

We are both momentarily overwhelmed by the feeling of connection, and just lay there panting slightly.  Finally I urge him on and he begins to move slowly in and out of me.  He brushes over my prostate and I scream out his name in ecstasy.  I’m so close to coming that I don’t even dare touch my cock, I just let it bounce between our bodes occasionally getting some intense friction when he folds me in half to kiss me.

Steadily his thrusts get faster and faster, then he is finally just barely moving inside me, jabbing at my prostate repeatedly and we both come hard, screaming each others name, my come soaking our bodies and his filling the condom.

He pulls out of me gently, but even that gently makes me gasp from the loss, and he finally collapses on top of me.  Sweaty and sticky and not caring at all we both pass out from exhaustion. 

 


End file.
